Prayer for Bobby

Well, not sure who saw the lifetime movie "Prayer for Bobby". I heard it over the radio recently that it was going to be shown tonight. So I recorded the movie on my fabulous DVR. Now this lifetime movie I must say is the best one I have seen so far. It is about a young man who is homosexual and committed suicide, and his mother who became a advocate after. Now that is just a mist of what the movie is about. Now this young man realized that he been struggling with the thoughts of a gay man. He tired his best not to have the feeling, thoughts of a gay man. But later realized that he couldn't hold it in anymore and confided on his brother which later told his parents because bobby tried to commit suicide by taking pills but couldn't go through with it. Now the thing is that his mother was a crazy Cristian as I like to call them. She use to tell her children that they can not commit sin because they have to be together in the after life. So Bobby felt that she will not love him, but when the brother spilled the beans the mother went into a psycho rage of trying to fix him. She did everything from, changing his diet, exercise, putting bible quotes through out the house, taking him to a counselor and even forcing the father to spend more time with him. She will tell him that she was not going to loose him to this "evil temptation". No the movie portrays both sides which so interesting. Later on, bobby fell in love with a man and told his mother who blame him for not having enough faith in God, trying to cure himself. He told her accept me for who I am, or not have me at all. Of course she choose not to have him. So Bobby left and moved on, but he still felt incomplete and ashamed that he was gay because of what his mother installed in him his all life and especially when he tried to reach out to her. So he decided to jump off a bridge. Which I must say had me stunned! At this point of the movie you grow to see bobby as a individual that all he wants is love from his mother. The mother lets a freaking priest condemn him in his own funeral. Which was crazy!!!! So then the mother begins to question why God didn't cure him. She said that in the bible homosexual will be condemned. She began to do research because she need to know if her son was in heaven or hell. She found a church that accepts homosexual as equals. And shows them that God loves them for who they are. She questions the priest, how the bible states that homosexual is not acceptable by God. He replies to her with several things that I myself never knew. He said that in the bible also states that a women who gets married after having children should be taken home and thrown rocks. Also when a child disrespect their parents they should be killed. Now she runs off in disbelieve and reads the bible and finds that those statements are so in the bible. She returns to the priest again to question that why is it okay for anyone to interpret the bible anyway way they want to justify their actions. He replies by you have to understand that the bible was written by a mortal when they themselves interpret things themselves when they wrote it and also the bible was written in a different time. We all think different within time. She still didn't agree. But as she morned over bobby room and things she began to read his journal and found that he did try to change he didn't choose to be gay. All he wanted was his mother to love him. She then attended a group meeting with parents who have gay children. And came to a conclusion that she had a major part on his death. She couldn't understand why God allowed him die and not cure him. Only if she would have listen to her child who was trying to speak to her, maybe he would be with her today. Only if she would have done her research on homosexuals she could have known how to deal with it. "Bobby wasn't healed because there was nothing wrong with him," she says. This was so deep!! This is a true story. And I am glad that it was shown on TV. Hopefully it changed those who are ignorant to the homosexual world.

-"Before you echo Amen in your home or place of worship, think and remember, A child is listening." - Mary Griffith

Tummy tuck

I have been researching very deeply Tummy Tucks. Last year i went to a plastic surgeon to see if I qualify. He stated that yes I do, that was music to my ears. He did work on my sister in law which I must say are great. No one can tell she had work done. He is very honest and does good work. And of course certified. Many do not agree with my decision on wanting a tummy tuck because some feel I do not need it, or I look fine, its not worth it. But I want it for me, it will make me feel better about myself. It is a scary procedure to do, the scar is a bit over whelming but in due time it gets better. It is not like my stomach is a virgin to scars anyway. I have mini scars from my gallbladder being removed and of course stretch marks from having three children. When I went to him last year I did not have the funds to go on with the surgery. But by next month i will. My husband totally supports me in this as well. I believe it is because he does love me and he is tired of hearing me bitch about my body lol. I am planning on blogging from the post op to the end results for those who are also interested in doing it or wonder how it works. I figure if it wasn't for those out there who do the same I won't have much to go by. So I am scared but also very excited. I will keep you posted.

cha-cha-cha-anges!!!!!

Haven't written in a while, let update those who care to read my blogs. I finished this semester, in which I had Art whom I grown to love. I honestly can say Art is a great way to translate your feelings, thoughts anything. Even if you can't draw. It is like therapy. We are pushing the school to have therapeutic art next semester. Also I had my intro to psych, I must say I loved and hated at the same time. I love it because I love psychology it is my passion, I hated it because of the idiots that were in the class. Never the less, it will not stop me to continue my path of become Dr. Rosario. Now I am mentally preparing myself for my next semester where I am taking two English classes and Developmental Psychology woohoo. I am in college already for 2 and a half years almost done to get my BA in Psychology! But I won't be done completely I have to do my masters and then on to the PHD department lol. Well also work has been fine i can only complain so much about the idiots that work there lol. But I hold my own so I am totally fine. And the kids are good as always, and I have not spoken to my mother in law since my puppy died I can honestly I have been happy. She has called here and there but I do not answer her call. Not hearing her voice makes me feel at ease. I have done research as well through people and online and come to a conclusion that she had a big part on killing my puppy. This women is full of evilness. Selfish, liar, deceitful, you name it she is it. She continues to cause me pain and my family. I will not allow it anymore. I will do everything possible not to see her face nor have her in my house. If I was religious I would probably try to splash her with some holy water and see if she would burn. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr......... okay enough about her sorry ass. Other than this I have to say I am fine, I lost 11 pounds. I hope to loose more.

I feel Death.........

Since I was young I always suffered from feeling death. Let me explain, I am pretty sure that I am not psychic but I always gotten feelings, mental thoughts of some sort of crucial moments, death, pain, anger. I can recall feeling pains in my stomach out of the blue like a cramping feeling, sure I thought gee could this be my period coming down, or do I have a stomach ache.... but it was never neither of those things. But as it continued I paid more attention to it and realized that I will end up getting into a arguement with my boyfriend or someone around me friend or family will suffer some pain of some sort. One time I was not speaking to my parents due to some major drama in my life, and I was living with my boyfriend and in the middle of the night I got this aora of sadness all i felt was pain, sadness and just cried and felt as though my dad was sick or was going to get sick. Oddly, enough my mother called me and told me that my dad had blood in his urine. Weird! Then I just knew that when I suffered through these types of things that usually it would come true. Later on, my first child was born sick and she later was put on a heart transplant list. I was called in and told that she got a heart so I came in to the hospital and saw my daughter. As I caressed her hair and looked at her she looked back at me and it felt as though she was talking through her eyes. In my heart it felt as though it was going to be the last time I would have seen her alive again. The nurses later took some pictures with her and my family members because of course my in laws stood home sleeping they didnt care to come and support her. I saw the paloriod of a picture that they took of her alone and she amazing enough raised her arm and signaled as if she was waving bye. I still have this photo. I say amazing because she was so weak from being in the hospital for months she did not have the energy to do that. But this day she did. Now I went home because the surgery was going to take all night. I could not sleep, I started to feel that weird feeling in my heart of sadness and cried. But at this point I did not know if it was just the scary part of her not coming out of the surgery alive or just that my baby would finally have a chance in living. The next day she was okay, I was like wow my feelings are falling off lol but within a few hours she began to crash. The doctors was treating her with some treatment to see but they only were going to do it for one day. THAT pain, sadness hit me like it never did before. Yes, my daughter was dying, yes this could have been another chance. But I never cried so much in my life, I felt death within me. I couldn't breathe keep in mind there was still a possibility. I told my husband this is it she isn't going to make it i feel it. Also through her life, I always had a feeling that she wasn't going to make it too long, this is why I hate my husband family. Because I pleaded and cried to them saying she could die at anytime but they sat back and did nothing. So my daughter died that morning. Honestly, I wish guilt on anyone that didn't spend time with my daughter when they could have, ask about her and so on. Yes I am still bitter. Yes I am still angry. But at the end of it all I had another of these feelings with one of my grandmothers. I saw her in the hospital and I quickly told my mom she was going to make it. I told my dad to prepare himself mentally that she wasn't going to make it. I just felt it. And she died the next day. Now, this saturday my puppy got really sick and again death overcame me and I felt so much pain before the doctor even told us that he was really sick and that he was going to be put to sleep. It is like when death is going to happen it over comes my body, emotions. I think about all this and say wow, is this possible? Can I feel death? Can I feel pain for others? The funny thing is that I would always say to my husband that I feel like I would die before him, he would get very angry with me that I would even think about this but its not that I think about it it comes to me. I once told him that I would probably die of some type of cancer. Just recently I found out that I have a big chance of having cancer in my ovaries. That they are not sure if it spread. Interesting isn't it!

RIP my dear Ace (my puppy)

Ace was giving to us by my mother in law to my kids for Christmas. He is a Yorkie 3 months old when we got him. Let me first say that I am not a big animal lover at all. We always had animals when i was younger and never got attached to him. But here comes this little puppie who we named Ace and I fell in love with him. I treated him as my child. This dog was sick from the get, my mother in law brought him with a cold so they say from a pet shop but who knows. He did not show much signs of it getting worst later on, but comes a week ago and he begins this cough sounding like he has a fur ball in this throat. So I look it up and sounds like he has kennel cough, but keep in mind that we don't have other animals. long story short, today I stepped out for two hours or so, I came home and Ace did not react as he usually does he was just laying on his bed. I ran to the bathroom to pee sorry for the extra info. a thought came to me saying I hope he isn't dead, I will freak out. Then I pick him up and he seems weak, so I put him on the floor and sat next to him and said
"come Ace" and he wouldn't he just sat there looking at me with a sad look and I noticed he was breathing deep. I am very familiar with this because me and my children suffer from asthma, so i pick him up and he begins to breathe hard and making noise and i felt his heart slowing down as he closes his eyes, I said "Ace stay up" and he will breathe harder and the heart will pump and slow down. I looked at him and saw my daughter who died years ago, who also stopped breathing in my arms, I called my husband but he was at work on a brake. I then called my mother in law and was told to meet her at the vet. hospital, and I was scared that he will die on me while i got to the hospital. But I took him as I am in the cab he is vomiting the whole way there. But in my head he is still breathing barely but breathing, I kept speaking to him to keep him alert. Once we arrived my mother in law was there waiting and we took him in and the doctors quickly say we are going to give him oxygen and put a IV and that will be 400 dollars in my mind i was like damnnnnnn but go do what you have to do. We chatted in the waiting area and the doctor comes back and asks some questions about his past history and then says we need to take a xray and that will be a additional 175 dollars and I said okay in my head I said omg what the hell !!! we chatted some more in the waiting area, then the doctor comes back and sits us down and tells us that he has pneumonia, and that he is doing really bad, and he needs to be admitted to the hospital for a couple of days which will cost roughly 3500 dollars i quickly said omg that's more than twice my rent, insane!! ! she said i know i know. I began to cry. My daughters dying struggles came to me all over again. So my mother in law began to say we can work it out with the money I said no Sharon none of us have that kind of money and he wont survive. So i asked the doctor what is a ratio that she has seen dogs survive this, she couldn't give it to me so that was enough for me to make the decision to put him to sleep. My mother in law was still struggling on not giving up, but I said Sharon am not giving up I am being realistic he is struggling and suffering and we will suffer more. I can not emotionally take it, the loss of my daughter no one that has lost a child would understand, and I am not speaking about a miss carriage I held my daughter, she lived 7 months. So the doctor comes back into the room and asked us if we made a decision and we both stood quite and she said he is really suffering and i said we have to Sharon he is in pain, that is when she said fine lets do it. the doctor asked if we wanted to say bye to him and be there when they put him to sleep i said yes to both my mother in law said Annie no! make sure! I said no i want to. But when the doctor brought my puppie who looked in such pain and sadness in his cute face I couldn't be there when they put him to sleep. I rubbed him for a few and thought to myself saying I am sooooo sorry ace. I cried uncontrollably. I cant understand everything that first comes into my life dies, first my daughter and now this dog. I am happy that my two children are here with me in good health because if i was to ever loose one of them, I will go crazy. I dont think i can handle another death of a child. I cant take someone or something to stop breathing in my hands again! this is something that I wont ever wish on anyone. Well I just wanted to put a little something on today's ordeal, RIP in ACE. We will miss you.

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