High Demands

Okay I haven't blogged in a little bit, due to high demands I am here with more of my thoughts. Recently, I have been caught up with so many things that I myself have brought to myself. I am physically tired and mentally tired. But hey someone has to do it. I recently confronted my mother-in-law with an on-going issue and honestly I am surprise of my performance. I believe I have grown to control my anger a little. Not to say that it isn't there but I have learned that sometimes it should be used only when necessary. I learned not to let my anger consume who I am. Things don't go my way all the time, not letting it faze me is a mature thing to do. I voice my thoughts and those who get offended or bothered by it oh well, I am only speaking how I feel. I also come to realize that I have no belief meaning religion and yes the one that most of you call "God". Those who think that I will not be saved by him when the world comes to a end..... keep believing that because if I been surviving this world we living in that at times feels like hell itself I will be alright. Its funny how people speak of this "God" as if they know him personally. But it is funny how we can't speak about someone who we never met the same way. We easily judge our own people. I can't seem to understand that. And honestly could care less to hear about the explanation why "God" is different. Save it for someone who wants to be fooled. Moving on........ Lately I have been working on my weight. I am not happy how I look. I have set myself a goal and I have been really consistent with it. Patting myself on my back... thank you thank you. Doing some yoga has help me relax and bring peace through me. I need this because I start my third semester in college in Sept. which I am so excited on starting, I miss school. I gained so much knowledge and insight on how others think. I will let you know that once I begin my classes my blogs will become a lot more interesting..... those in college know what I am talking about. Well lets see what tomorrow will bring me and of course to you.......

My Sunshine.....

My sunshine, he brought me light when my life went dark during my first born dying at the age of 7 months. She was born with a severe heart disease. When she died, I died with her. My life was just not the same everything seem dark, I felt lost, didn't have a sense of reasons of living. I battled the darkness of taking my life to be with her, when at that the time I was struggling with the belief of God. But I could not do it and cause my family and friends more pain. I felt so alone in this dark world I was in. I was seeking another child who I can give that love I had longed to give my daughter Nikole if she was still here with me. So this is when I got pregnant with my son Nikolas. Who brought light to my dark world. He made me shine again. He seem perfect, cute as a button, fat as a butter ball and most of all loved me unconditional because he knew I was mommy! As he turn a year an half we noticed that he wouldn't speak. Later we learned he was diagnosed with a speech delay. I struggled everyday wondering what my son wanted, why couldn't my son speak to me, I felt as though I couldn't communicate with him. But even though we couldn't hold a conversation I always showed him affection through touch. My son was judge and still is, and so are we as parents by un-educated people. I gain such respect for the disable and their parents. People can be so judgemental and harsh. At this point my faith to God vanish, explain to me why God give my daughter a sick heart and make her suffer through pain and die and cause her loved ones pain, why God take my son the availability to speak like us if he is high and mighty! He isn't any better than us. I stopped being angry at this so-called God, and began to get my son all the help he needed and be there for him 101%. Show him that their are un-educated people who will judge him and treat him like a alien but they don't matter HE MATTERS! My son has grown to be such a loving, smart toddler. He loves those who judge him, he loves those show him love he views everyone equal and that I admire! He is six years old and has that availability that many of us adults should have. Maybe this world would be a better place. So he continues to shine light in my world even when it gets dim. And I will be continue to build that road that my son deserves like any other child. Because he too will be successful.......

Held in captivity...........

Have you ever felt as though you were being held captive? especially in a relationship. I am not speaking on a physical manner but emotionally. Being married for about 9 years, seems like centuries.....with ups and downs just like any other relationship. At times I feel like my emotions holds me captive. I mean captive because at times I feel like I don't want to be in the situation but then I feel like being in it. Sometimes one weights more than the other. Life can be so complicated we ask if any of our decisions in life are right at all..... I can only speak from my heart that I love my husband and feel robbed from loving him the way I should or like how he loves me. His mother robbed me from that. Until she admits what she has done and own up to it, I would not be able to move on with her in my life. I had to make a decision and I chose to stay with my husband and try not to let her actions get in the middle, also choosing not to have her in my life at all will help me emotionally. So for now my husband has me captive by his heart, until the moment that I allow my heart to join his 100 % I can only try for now.

Teenage Years.....

Through out my teenage years, I went through many types of abuse. Mental, physical, sexual at times I just wanted my life to end. What saved me was the fear of pain, which sounds very ironic but its the truth. The pain just caused me to hide behind a shell I had built through out the years. In all reality I began to wear many different masks. One for my friends and school where I would act like a normal teenager, family thought I just had strick parents but I was a good child. And best mask of all was my own that I built through time. I wore that mask for myself, because I would put aside all the pain that had everyday and strive harder to find ways to get away. I was my own coach! Annie, forget what people say and go out and do what you have to do to get far far away from these losers. Even though my mask did not save me from all the insecurities that was inside me. It was always a battle between that mask and my insecurities. At times the insecurities will win. But I always had some strength and pull through with some bumps and bruises but for the most part I pulled away from alot of the abuse. I must say I have been successful on a couple of things, and my major success I have to say is becoming who I am today, out-spoken, honest, and knows what she wants and best of all goes for what she wants. I finally gained a voice.....

It begins here......

My name is Annie, I am 29 years old. I was born and raised in the barrio "Spanish Harlem". I have a younger brother, the man who I glanced at when I was 3 months old who I thought was my father, isn't my biological father yeah I learned this when I was 13 or 14 years old. I always knew something was different. I did not know why my mother would treat me differently from my brother. She was not affectionate with me, she would not say I love you Annie. I felt as though I was the ugly duckling. My heart always thrived to get full filled with love by my mother. A mother's love should be unconditional but her love for me felt like it had boundaries. My "father" had two other children from a previous relationship and his oldest was the one who unleashed my mothers deepest secret that she had wanted to take to her grave. My father came to me and said " Annie, I love you no matter what you will always be my daughter" many of you may think that should have been my comfort and sooth my betrayal. But No! I wanted my mother! She did not approach me with any words. I gained the courage to ask her about my "biological FATHER" she quickly said " I don't know I think he is dead somewhere in Puerto Rico" and brushed me off. I just took the answer and left it alone because I noticed my mothers pain, just hearing her voice crack and the tone she used. I Later learned that "He, my biological father" was always in the streets and in gangs. He was her first boyfriend, he did not want her to continue with the pregnancy and left her. For a second I felt my mother's pain of rejection and abandonment. So many questions fly through my head everyday. My mother never changed with me things stood the same with the affection. I know she suffered pain because of my biological father. I can only conclude that I remind her of that everyday she looks at me. That caused her not to show me affection as though it was him that she was giving it to. I love my mother with all my heart. I know she loves me to. My mother is not a confrontational person. Some of us are not good with confronting issues in our life's. I realized that I could not take away that pain that my mother has endured. My mother's sorrow was my burden. As a child, it was a lot for me to carry. I could only love her for what she has done for me. Even though, her love for me seemed conditional, my love for her will always be unconditional. Well this is when it all begin................