It begins here......

My name is Annie, I am 29 years old. I was born and raised in the barrio "Spanish Harlem". I have a younger brother, the man who I glanced at when I was 3 months old who I thought was my father, isn't my biological father yeah I learned this when I was 13 or 14 years old. I always knew something was different. I did not know why my mother would treat me differently from my brother. She was not affectionate with me, she would not say I love you Annie. I felt as though I was the ugly duckling. My heart always thrived to get full filled with love by my mother. A mother's love should be unconditional but her love for me felt like it had boundaries. My "father" had two other children from a previous relationship and his oldest was the one who unleashed my mothers deepest secret that she had wanted to take to her grave. My father came to me and said " Annie, I love you no matter what you will always be my daughter" many of you may think that should have been my comfort and sooth my betrayal. But No! I wanted my mother! She did not approach me with any words. I gained the courage to ask her about my "biological FATHER" she quickly said " I don't know I think he is dead somewhere in Puerto Rico" and brushed me off. I just took the answer and left it alone because I noticed my mothers pain, just hearing her voice crack and the tone she used. I Later learned that "He, my biological father" was always in the streets and in gangs. He was her first boyfriend, he did not want her to continue with the pregnancy and left her. For a second I felt my mother's pain of rejection and abandonment. So many questions fly through my head everyday. My mother never changed with me things stood the same with the affection. I know she suffered pain because of my biological father. I can only conclude that I remind her of that everyday she looks at me. That caused her not to show me affection as though it was him that she was giving it to. I love my mother with all my heart. I know she loves me to. My mother is not a confrontational person. Some of us are not good with confronting issues in our life's. I realized that I could not take away that pain that my mother has endured. My mother's sorrow was my burden. As a child, it was a lot for me to carry. I could only love her for what she has done for me. Even though, her love for me seemed conditional, my love for her will always be unconditional. Well this is when it all begin................