7 Pounds

Not sure if anyone seen the movie 7 Pounds with Will Smith. I have to give this man a standing ovation..... HE IS THE MAN! Now this movie is insane! The concept, meaning everything is crazy. If you haven't seen it please do not read below. If you don't care then feel free to read. This character goes and does 7 good deeds. Then takes his own life for one of those 7 deeds. But the way this man choose to die, omg just thinking about it still gives me pain in my heart. It was done so believable. Some may say he is a stupid man for doing what he did, for the reason he did it. But honestly we are no one to judge. Like I always say we can not say anything nor judge until we are in that situation. I did not want to give too much details but I recommend this movie! But do not and I repeat do not forget the Kleenex! You will need it trust me!

Have you ever?

Have you ever felt as though your day will never end? like you just dying to sleep
Have you ever felt as though your not loved enough? like you desire to feel special
Have you ever felt as though your smart enough? as though you want to the answers
Have you ever felt like telling that idiot in front of you online, taking their sweet time looking for their money, or better yet say to the cashier "wait I forgot something give me a sec" that second feels like a century! You just want to scream on that idiot!
Have you ever wanted to say something to the rude passangers on the trains that act as if they are no trains behind the one they too busy shoving themselves into!
Have you wanted to scream as loud as you could?
Have you ever wanted look totally different as you look?
Have you felt that you hated your name?
So many have you ever's that honestly its endless.

2009

I haven't written in a while, thought I would start off the year with a blog. I must say that 2008 was full of bullshit, happiness, new friendships, ending of some friendships, and eye opener. Awww expecting the same for the new year. Lets keep it real! I must say that my job is going well, my school is going well as well. My kids are doing great. My marriage is there, and my friends are great. I must say that my friends mean so much to me, in all honestly they have been there for me through thick and thin. Likes and dislikes, disagreements and those times that we say "I know what you mean". I can't say much for my family. I mean I have my brother and my parents but the others are whatever. Forget about my husband side of the family. They don't ever sees to amaze me how they treat me and my children. I wonder and my friends ask me why do I even care about their asses. And honestly this year I wont I can't. They don't respect me as a individual or even treat me as family I only been with my husband for almost 10 years. They don't look for my children as well. They aren't family. Well I will move on from their fakeness. My husband brother is having a baby whom I must say did not care to mention to us, and I will say it here I WILL NOT BE ATTENDING THE BABYSHOWER. Cause that bitch acts like her shit don't stink. As if I done something to her. If we aren't important enough to be told that hubby is going to be a uncle for the first time then too bad. Losers to the max, but I have to say that one thing that I do appreciate from this year is the friendship I have built with one selected individual Alexis. I wish our friendship all the best and closer every moment. This is the one person I can say I trust and love from this disruptive family. Well my fellow readers, I will leave you here.

People annoy me!

I can honestly say that people annoy the shit out of me! Let me list a couple of things for you. First I gain weight from a huge weight lost I had last year. I have had people on my ear oh you don't get healthy, you need to work out, you should this and that. And I have pleaded my case that I am, I have, I can't and I don't understand why its not working. Yet I get the bullshit oh you not trying hard enough, you not doing it right. But come to find out there is a reason why it hasn't worked bitches! I have a cyst in my ovaries. I have all the major symthoms which has concern the doctor and I am going to have a sano gram to see if it has spread and also on medication. You know what is one of the affects!!!!!! WEIGHT GAIN and you can't loose it even if you tried!!!!!!!!!!! See how people talk shit. FUCK THEM ALL FOR REAL! I hope they feel like shit when they found out. And you know I still have people saying but you need a diet plan! Fucking dicks I swear. But you know FUCK THEM honestly I have choose to say shut the fuck up when the next person says that shit. I am beginning to think when my fat ass is in a coffin they will still talk shit, oh annie should have done this and that. ANNOYING! Then I have the idiots in my psych class, honestly you know what I always found funny that black americans I should say the majority I have met are racist but are quick to bitch about racism. Aint that funny. Do not get me wrong I have love for my cool black american family members and friends! But some are so fucking nasty. They treat people like shit and act like the world owes them. And now to the next annoying thing, when you have people who bitch and bitch and do nothing! Its like people tend to live in either a fantasy or a nightmare hummmmmm don't you idiots know that there is a great world to live in called REALITY! Shit happens to them then they wonder why? LMAO can you believe! But I have come to a reality to accept that they are in a misery bliss unlike others they in the REAL bliss..grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr so annoying. I don't have the time for the bullshit.

Judgementalility (is that a word) lol

I had a situation at school, last week.
Me and my friend jeannie were sitting at the lounge in school while others in our class finished their mid-term. In this lounge was a woman named dalphina whom I know from previous class and happens to be in my class of the night as well. Also this one chick and this lady who both are in our class. We were sitting across the room from each other. Dalphina was in the middle of the room and asked me what had the professor told us? I replied to her well he said to come back to class in 30 mins. she said do we have to come back? I said yea because he wants to go over the LAP contract, which is silly because if you in psych you should know how to fill it out by now, if not you gotta be slow. Keep in mind that I am speaking to Dalphina. At this point I over hear these two nosy bitches talking smack. So I say what you said???? so the girl who we call blue's clues cause she had a striped shirt looking like the dude from blue's clue's. Said you need to watch what you say because you offend people. I replied, what you talking about? she repeated herself while the lady whom we will call grandma was talking shit. I said what? blue's clue's said you said slow and she got offended. I said Urline *grandma I wasn't talking to you, why you always in my mouth. Because previous year she was in one of my classes and she tried to get into one of my arguments with a professor. I told her ass to mind her business. Anyway, she was cursing me out which she speaks in a heavy accent called me bumbaclok (which ever way you spell that shit) LMAO so I was like whatever! So more students came into the lounge to be nosy as usual. And she spoke her sob story to them and they began to tell her oh she isn't worth it. Which pissed me off. I said I have no idea why they babying her ass when they should be telling her she needs to mind her business. And if she is going to get offended on one's opinion she will have a difficult time in the world. So grandma continue to talk shit. Here comes the funny part, grandma gets up from her chair as if she was going to do me harm LMFAO So she had her cheerleaders try to hold her back. So I got up and said no leave her, let her say what she gotta to say i wont yell at her, I don't want her to get a heart attack on my behave. So some girl say "why you gotta say heart attack" and grandma said oh you will not yell at me! I really wanted to tell the bitch shut the fuck up but I controlled myself and clapped and said OK you done urline??? got it out your chest! Now you wont get a heart attack. And sat my ass back down. So blue's clue's said if it was me and you we will be all over this lounge and the chairs will be all flipped over. I looked at her and I said no sweetie you will be fighting by yourself because I am not ghetto like that, I am too smart for that. So at this point the security comes in and grandma says my face does not get red, my face is black. Whatever that shit suppose to mean. Sounds racist to me. So then blue's clue's gets up and walks out saying the same threat and that it would have gone to the parking lot. I looked at the security guards and said you heard what she said, if i was ghetto I would have got up and punch the bitch in the face. They said yea that wasn't called for.

Well at the end of the night I was pissed that these bitches have the nerve to judge me and talk shit, because I am honest and I speak freely! FUCK them! I have to thank my friend jeannie for sticking by me and controlling me to an extent. Because if she wasn't there I would have said more shit and most likely fought! And also I have been trying to control my anger. LMAO that's funny right lol.

"You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely because almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true." ~Meredith Grey (Grey's Anatomy)

Judgement Day

Yesterday was a day that I can say I had enough of the bullshit. One I have this family who always blame me whenever things go down. There is this one person that I am speaking of Justin which has become one of my new comers on my shit list. It pisses me off when people become so shady when I have been good to them. Then at the end I come out to be the bad one. Yo honestly fuck you, I am done with the same bullshit. And then I have a aunt that said that I am selfish and that I am angry blah blah. Fuck her too. I am so tired when people say that I am selfish. You know what I go out for everyone that I know of course when they are on my good side. Those who know me know that I am that way. I rarely think about myself. But I noticed when I don't give people what they want they are quick to call me selfish. Its bullshit. Honestly it makes me want to become a selfish, grimy, bitch! And fuck everyone else in my life that don't matter. I can't stand it yo! People are so fake. People are such assholes. I hate to throw things that I have done for people because I don't do them to say I do them, I do them because that's how I am. I know that some people take advantage of that. And I can honestly say that I know that some appreciate it. Which makes it hard for me to change into this so-called selfish person. But honestly, in due time for real I might just become that person. I don't care what people say most of the time but when it comes from those who I only cared about it pisses me off. And I don't fall for people bullshit and excuses, I am too smart for that. I listen to honesty! Which many can't do. Anyway I just need to vent.

Just a couple of thoughts......

Well I wonder why have such evilness in them yet they wonder why shit happens to them. I know about this family that claim such closeness but funny thing is that when shit hits the fan they all scatter like roaches when you turn on the light lol. Shady isn't strong enough to describe them. I am proud to say that my children are not close to that side of the family of my husbands. I can actually pick let me see three people who I can say are cool with me. Don't get me wrong they have their share of issues as we all do, but I can only say that they have given me a chance to show them who I am. Better yet not give me a chance cause I could less of those who judge me but wants to get to know me. But in any event, it pisses me off when people act like they care about you then shit on you when they don't get their way or don't agree with something you done. PHONEY! I mean give me a brake, honestly people can try to use me all they want but at the end I come out winning because I know what I have done for people is out of my heart not for interest in any kind because I know how to fend for myself. I don't depend on no one for anything! I am a strong individual who knows what I want and need. I don't hurts because I freaking feel like it. I better things to do with my energy. I stop trying to hurt others on a continious basis. If you hurt me I will make sure you feel it just once!!!! harder than I felt it. Thats enough for me. Then I cut the person off no need to keep them around as punching bags when I end up looking as a childish person. Nah, too grown for that. People need to check themselves for real especially this damn family. Honestly they aren't even like family they are more like individuals. But it doesn't surprise me at all of their actions. LOSERS! Sorry I had to get that shit out of my shit.

I just realized

Wow, I discovered something this weekend. You know what helped me a little something called alcohol..... Alcohol makes me feel! I am that person that drinks and their emotions are released. This has happen before but I did not pay it too much mind. But I realized it this weekend that I felt so emotional. As if my pain was yearning to be released. So yeah basically that damn thing called alcohol is the kryptonite to my walls that I built so that I won't be such a emotional roller coaster.... all the damn time. Just thought I would share with you what I just realized about myself.

High Demands

Okay I haven't blogged in a little bit, due to high demands I am here with more of my thoughts. Recently, I have been caught up with so many things that I myself have brought to myself. I am physically tired and mentally tired. But hey someone has to do it. I recently confronted my mother-in-law with an on-going issue and honestly I am surprise of my performance. I believe I have grown to control my anger a little. Not to say that it isn't there but I have learned that sometimes it should be used only when necessary. I learned not to let my anger consume who I am. Things don't go my way all the time, not letting it faze me is a mature thing to do. I voice my thoughts and those who get offended or bothered by it oh well, I am only speaking how I feel. I also come to realize that I have no belief meaning religion and yes the one that most of you call "God". Those who think that I will not be saved by him when the world comes to a end..... keep believing that because if I been surviving this world we living in that at times feels like hell itself I will be alright. Its funny how people speak of this "God" as if they know him personally. But it is funny how we can't speak about someone who we never met the same way. We easily judge our own people. I can't seem to understand that. And honestly could care less to hear about the explanation why "God" is different. Save it for someone who wants to be fooled. Moving on........ Lately I have been working on my weight. I am not happy how I look. I have set myself a goal and I have been really consistent with it. Patting myself on my back... thank you thank you. Doing some yoga has help me relax and bring peace through me. I need this because I start my third semester in college in Sept. which I am so excited on starting, I miss school. I gained so much knowledge and insight on how others think. I will let you know that once I begin my classes my blogs will become a lot more interesting..... those in college know what I am talking about. Well lets see what tomorrow will bring me and of course to you.......

My Sunshine.....

My sunshine, he brought me light when my life went dark during my first born dying at the age of 7 months. She was born with a severe heart disease. When she died, I died with her. My life was just not the same everything seem dark, I felt lost, didn't have a sense of reasons of living. I battled the darkness of taking my life to be with her, when at that the time I was struggling with the belief of God. But I could not do it and cause my family and friends more pain. I felt so alone in this dark world I was in. I was seeking another child who I can give that love I had longed to give my daughter Nikole if she was still here with me. So this is when I got pregnant with my son Nikolas. Who brought light to my dark world. He made me shine again. He seem perfect, cute as a button, fat as a butter ball and most of all loved me unconditional because he knew I was mommy! As he turn a year an half we noticed that he wouldn't speak. Later we learned he was diagnosed with a speech delay. I struggled everyday wondering what my son wanted, why couldn't my son speak to me, I felt as though I couldn't communicate with him. But even though we couldn't hold a conversation I always showed him affection through touch. My son was judge and still is, and so are we as parents by un-educated people. I gain such respect for the disable and their parents. People can be so judgemental and harsh. At this point my faith to God vanish, explain to me why God give my daughter a sick heart and make her suffer through pain and die and cause her loved ones pain, why God take my son the availability to speak like us if he is high and mighty! He isn't any better than us. I stopped being angry at this so-called God, and began to get my son all the help he needed and be there for him 101%. Show him that their are un-educated people who will judge him and treat him like a alien but they don't matter HE MATTERS! My son has grown to be such a loving, smart toddler. He loves those who judge him, he loves those show him love he views everyone equal and that I admire! He is six years old and has that availability that many of us adults should have. Maybe this world would be a better place. So he continues to shine light in my world even when it gets dim. And I will be continue to build that road that my son deserves like any other child. Because he too will be successful.......

Held in captivity...........

Have you ever felt as though you were being held captive? especially in a relationship. I am not speaking on a physical manner but emotionally. Being married for about 9 years, seems like centuries.....with ups and downs just like any other relationship. At times I feel like my emotions holds me captive. I mean captive because at times I feel like I don't want to be in the situation but then I feel like being in it. Sometimes one weights more than the other. Life can be so complicated we ask if any of our decisions in life are right at all..... I can only speak from my heart that I love my husband and feel robbed from loving him the way I should or like how he loves me. His mother robbed me from that. Until she admits what she has done and own up to it, I would not be able to move on with her in my life. I had to make a decision and I chose to stay with my husband and try not to let her actions get in the middle, also choosing not to have her in my life at all will help me emotionally. So for now my husband has me captive by his heart, until the moment that I allow my heart to join his 100 % I can only try for now.

Teenage Years.....

Through out my teenage years, I went through many types of abuse. Mental, physical, sexual at times I just wanted my life to end. What saved me was the fear of pain, which sounds very ironic but its the truth. The pain just caused me to hide behind a shell I had built through out the years. In all reality I began to wear many different masks. One for my friends and school where I would act like a normal teenager, family thought I just had strick parents but I was a good child. And best mask of all was my own that I built through time. I wore that mask for myself, because I would put aside all the pain that had everyday and strive harder to find ways to get away. I was my own coach! Annie, forget what people say and go out and do what you have to do to get far far away from these losers. Even though my mask did not save me from all the insecurities that was inside me. It was always a battle between that mask and my insecurities. At times the insecurities will win. But I always had some strength and pull through with some bumps and bruises but for the most part I pulled away from alot of the abuse. I must say I have been successful on a couple of things, and my major success I have to say is becoming who I am today, out-spoken, honest, and knows what she wants and best of all goes for what she wants. I finally gained a voice.....

It begins here......

My name is Annie, I am 29 years old. I was born and raised in the barrio "Spanish Harlem". I have a younger brother, the man who I glanced at when I was 3 months old who I thought was my father, isn't my biological father yeah I learned this when I was 13 or 14 years old. I always knew something was different. I did not know why my mother would treat me differently from my brother. She was not affectionate with me, she would not say I love you Annie. I felt as though I was the ugly duckling. My heart always thrived to get full filled with love by my mother. A mother's love should be unconditional but her love for me felt like it had boundaries. My "father" had two other children from a previous relationship and his oldest was the one who unleashed my mothers deepest secret that she had wanted to take to her grave. My father came to me and said " Annie, I love you no matter what you will always be my daughter" many of you may think that should have been my comfort and sooth my betrayal. But No! I wanted my mother! She did not approach me with any words. I gained the courage to ask her about my "biological FATHER" she quickly said " I don't know I think he is dead somewhere in Puerto Rico" and brushed me off. I just took the answer and left it alone because I noticed my mothers pain, just hearing her voice crack and the tone she used. I Later learned that "He, my biological father" was always in the streets and in gangs. He was her first boyfriend, he did not want her to continue with the pregnancy and left her. For a second I felt my mother's pain of rejection and abandonment. So many questions fly through my head everyday. My mother never changed with me things stood the same with the affection. I know she suffered pain because of my biological father. I can only conclude that I remind her of that everyday she looks at me. That caused her not to show me affection as though it was him that she was giving it to. I love my mother with all my heart. I know she loves me to. My mother is not a confrontational person. Some of us are not good with confronting issues in our life's. I realized that I could not take away that pain that my mother has endured. My mother's sorrow was my burden. As a child, it was a lot for me to carry. I could only love her for what she has done for me. Even though, her love for me seemed conditional, my love for her will always be unconditional. Well this is when it all begin................